Silently Watching You Watching Me
by xj
Summary: WIP. SanzoxHakkai. slightly angsty.
1. All Our Unspoken Words

Standard disclaimers apply.  
  
HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.  
  
----  
  
I don't know what he's always smiling about. The simple curve of his lips, twinkle in his eye. It just comes so easily for him. Is it out of habit, of out of genuine amusement? If the latter is true, he must be really amused. I, for one, can't find anything to smile about. With the two very extremely highly intelligent idiots in the back seat constantly yelling and screaming, making a perfect nuisance of themselves, there really is nothing worth smiling about. But that's how Hakkai is. Always pleasant, never disgruntled, always patient, never raising his voice. Sometimes I wonder how he manages to keep so calm.  
  
His long tapered fingers lie peacefully on the steering wheel, his face concentrated on the road ahead. I don't think he knows that I think about him constantly. Nor that all my thoughts about him are positive. I couldn't bear it if he knew. The frigid Sanzo actually having pleasant thoughts about one of his "servants"? No. It was more of, I couldn't bear it if Gojyo or Goku knew. They would be laughing their socks off.  
  
He appeared delicate at first glance, but I was prepared. The three Aspects had sent me to capture a murderer after all. Even now I don't know why I helped him. Perhaps it was that Goku had a good impression of him, perhaps it was Gojyo's loyalty that compelled me; or perhaps it was that I noticed the soulful determination in his eyes, the familiar look of loss of a loved one. I wasn't sure that it was the right thing to do at that time, but now I know for sure, that my choice was a correct one. I'm still not sure of the reasons, but I'm sure that I'm glad I saved him.  
  
I dreamt of him last night, and the night before, and the night before, and..  
  
I've been dreaming of him every night for about 3 weeks now. Each night, I dream the same dream. We're always in a motel, sharing a room. In my dream, we'd be sleeping together, fingers entwined, sweat slicked bodies so close, facing each other, and we'd be simply staring into each others' eyes. There was no doubt what we've been doing before that, but I never dreamt about it. Perhaps I've no idea what would happen. I've been celibate all my life after all. And the moment I opened my mouth to say something, I would wake up. I always can't remember what I wanted to say. My dream is irritating me. Its boring the hell out of me. I need a new dream, hopefully a dream with more graphic images. Oh hell. Did I just say that? I'm taking my words back. Wait a minute, I'm just thinking to myself. Who would know?  
  
A soft sigh escaped my lips. Seriously, I think my brain is dulling. I feel like the cockroach and the monkey's stupidity has rubbed off unto me. Great. I'm about to fantasize about Hakkai some night soon, and I'm getting dumb? Is that a sign?  
  
I've been thinking too much these days. I think my mind needs a break.  
  
"Sanzo, are you alright? You're unusually quiet today." A soft, cultured voice came from my right.  
  
That could only have come from Hakkai. Those brainless baboons in the backseat could never talk so softly. I was a little short of words to reply, so I intelligently replied, "hnn."  
  
Am I beginning to like Hakkai? It would be stupid, to open myself up to hurting again. But, I think I am. I realize that I begin to look at him more often. I often look to him for reassurance, looking to see if he's okay. I wonder if he noticed me staring.  
  
---  
  
I know he's been staring at me again, with those beautiful amethyst eyes. I can't help but ponder on what he's thinking about. Could it be that, could it be that he might be having certain feelings about me?  
  
I sigh inwardly. And silently reprimanded myself. I'm letting my obsession drive me crazy. Why would Sanzo be thinking about me? He thinks of Gojyo, Goku and me all as his servants. I don't mind it. But I still hope that one day he might think of me as more than a servant, more than a friend.  
  
He always looks so disgruntled. As if the world owes him something. I chuckle inwardly. Sanzo is such a different monk, and I wouldn't want it any other way. He drinks, smokes, curses better than, than, I don't know many people who curse. I almost smiled at my inward joke. I seem to amuse myself a lot more these days. I had better stop these jokes. They're going to ask me why I'm smiling to myself again soon. Another good reason for him being such a special monk would be that, he would break his celibacy vow without much thought. I almost laughed at that.  
  
Sanzo brings so much joy into my life, without really knowing it. He looks like a fallen angel, so pretty, yet so dangerous. His blonde hair falls artlessly around his face, it shimmers, shines and glitters so brightly. I know why Goku thinks of Sanzo as his sun, but there's a deeper reason than that, though I don't like to think of that so much, as I tend to get jealous. I'm attracted to him physically, but more importantly, emotionally. Goyjo attracts me physically too. I don't really know when I started to like men; I had Kanan before this.  
  
A big reason why Sanzo's become so important to me, is that we both have some kind of scar that can't be healed. During the fight with Homura, Dokugakuji, Goyjo's brother told him that there's no such thing as an inescapable past. It wasn't directed to me, but it had opened up new perspectives for me. Sanzo had been there with me whenever it rained, although I always seeked him out, but he has accepted my presence. And I'd like to think that he expects me when it rains. It's my way of salvaging some bits of my ego.  
  
I won't tell him how I feel. It might make things awkward. I feel lonely some nights, but I can't tell him that I want to hold him in my arms. The loneliness really hurts some nights, but I can't risk telling Sanzo. I don't think I could bear it if he was cold to me. Or if he'd avoid me.  
  
Suddenly, I notice the two fighting behind us, and I noticed Sanzo's lack of reaction. Without turning my head, I asked him if he was all right. He didn't exactly reply me, so I knew he was thinking too. I fervently hoped that it was me he was thinking of, and that brought another smile unto my face.  
  
---  
  
To be continued.  
  
A/N: I know it sucked. I'm trying out different sorts of alternate Saiyuki pairings (meaning not the obvious 39 or 58). Pardon. 


	2. In The Rain, There's Still My Ray of Hop...

Standard disclaimers apply.  
  
HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.  
  
****  
  
It's raining again. I hate the rain. Doesn't it know how many memories it brings back for me? I hate the rain. The memories of the fateful night keep replaying in my head. I had to watch my master die in front of me. I saw the blood. There was so much blood. I hate the rain. It reminds me of my helplessness, my weaknesses, and my loss. I loved my master; he was the only one whom I loved, ever. He alone seemed to take care of me. None of the other monks ever cared a whit for me. The filthy youkai scum who wanted his sutra killed my master. Damn them. Damn myself. Why couldn't I have been strong enough to fight them off? How could I let them kill him? How could I have let him die? I hate myself. I hate the rain. Shit. Did I say that I hate the rain yet?  
  
Someone is knocking on my door. It had better not be Goku. I have no patience for him right now. Moreover, he's already came up 3 times tonight. Is it Hakkai? I don't think I have patience for him too. Sigh. Hakkai. You share painful memories about the rain as well. Yet, you can still smile on nights like this. Your strength amazes me, fascinates me. In order to not experience loss or to hurt, I shut everyone out with my taciturnity, moroseness. Despite my attempts, Hakkai got through all my defences. He withstood my curt responses, my behaviour; in all, he withstood me. His pleasantness wormed its way into my heart, and found itself a place there. Sigh. I don't know when it started, but he surely and certainly means something to me. I tried to deny it, tell myself that I don't care a bit for him, but when those youkai attack us, I tend to look towards him, afraid something might happen to him.  
  
"Go away." I said to the person behind the door. But, the door still opened. I knew who it was instantly. Hakkai. I barely listened to his talking. The melodious sound was there, but it was just there, not really penetrating the haze of pain. Pain. The painful memories of Koumyou Sanzo, tortures my soul even as I live and breathe. The same way I shut out everyone, I shut his memories out. But I've learnt that shutting people and memories out don't work. And in a way, I've given up on it. I can remember happy memories of my master without the heart wrenching pain, but I still will not let anyone in. sigh. I'm such a paradox. I say one thing, and do another. My double standards amaze me.  
  
"Sanzo. Goku. worried. downstairs. you... eat? Listening?" Bits of what Hakkai was saying ran through my mind. From what I gathered, Goku was worried about me. But what about you Hakkai? What about you? My dreams about you have stopped as suddenly as they began. But in its place, is a new kind of longing, a more realistic yearning. You're so close, yet so far. You're right next to me most of the time, yet I feel as though you're miles away from me, like an untouchable angel.  
  
Hakkai. You remind me of my master. The same soft eyes, the same smile, the same amicable personality. But that's not why I love you. I love you because, simply because you are you. I can't find the reasons or the words, but I do. When did my like for you evolve into love, I have no idea, but I know that I do love you.  
  
I've tried to not love you. I really did. Because I know if I loved you, I wouldn't be able to protect you. And I don't want to lose you. I don't think I can continue on if I lose someone I love again. Despite all my false bravados, my strong words, I'm not strong. I hate to admit it, but I'm not. I feel like I've failed my master. I hate the rain. I hate myself. And I love Hakkai.  
  
He makes me feel like I'm not worthless. His gentle smiles, kind words, he makes me feel like I am strong, makes me feel like I can do anything. If only he'd love me back. But I know, it's impossible. Hakkai just treats everyone the same, he doesn't care for me anymore than the cockroach does. Speaking of which, I think there might be something between the two of them. From the moment we've met, they have been exceptionally close. I'd hate to admit it, but I'm jealous. Why do I feel such a humbling emotion? Sigh.  
  
"I'll go down later. Just go away now."  
  
I hoped that those words would dismiss Hakkai. Or at least pacify him for a while. Even though I love him, I'm in a damned bad mood right now; I don't want anyone disturbing me. This self-pity drivel really doesn't suit me.  
  
****  
  
Sanzo has been staring off into a blank space in the rain. I wonder if he's listening to me. I'll bet only small fragments of whatever I'm saying are actually getting to him. I wish he wouldn't be like that. I wish he'd show some response to me. I wish he wouldn't torture himself with his memories. Kanan is just a faded memory to me now. I loved her, and I still do. But the dead won't come back, and even if they did, I'm not sure if I'll still love her. Sanzo, Sanzo, Sanzo. You're all that fills my mind. When it rains, I don't think of it as the night that I lost Kanan. I think of it as the night that I met you. And the thought of it makes it so much better. I don't even mind it anymore, and to a small extent, I'm beginning to welcome it.  
  
I keep rambling on and on about how Goku is worried about you. I don't talk about my own worrying. It's always Goku with you. I wish I could be him sometimes. I don't mind you hitting me or shooting at me, just to get some response out of you. Just to see the life in you. When you talk to me, you're always so quiet, always so polite. Polite isn't the word for it, maybe more of subdued. The words that I'd really like to say were along the lines of, don't hurt yourself anymore; don't think about the past, your whole future is out there. I can't bear to see you like this, keeping all your pain inside you. If I could, I would take it all away from you, and help you bear it. You have no idea how much I love you. Please don't continue being like this anymore. It's okay if you hurt me, but don't hurt yourself any longer.  
  
But of course, you'd never hear me saying that. I can't tell him the extent of my feelings, or even tell him my feelings at all. Not being able to tell you of how I feel tears me up inside. But I will endure it, because I'm too afraid that you'd ignore me if you found out that I love you. I'm just too scared to take the risk.  
  
I really wanted to reach out, and hold you in my arms to tell you everything's all right. I really wanted to take away the pain, and never let you know another with loneliness. I really wanted to tell you I love you, and hear you tell me that you love me too. As usual, I didn't. After you asked me to go away, I reluctantly turned and left. I didn't want to leave, but I did. I don't understand myself sometimes. All I want it to love you, is that so hard? I want to make you smile, to make you happy. But each time I even start to try, I falter midway. I am so afraid of losing you.  
  
If I had my way, we'd go on this journey forever. So I won't have to part with you at the end of the road. I want you to be in my life forever. I want to protect you, watch over you, and love you till the end of time. But..  
  
Suddenly I realize that I'm still in your room. You were staring at me all this while. I saw the puzzled look, confusion in your turbulent eyes. And the pain, how could I forget the pain. It was an unguarded moment. In that profound moment, I felt as though there maybe hope for us, and then your eyes became aware, and your invisible shield slid right back on. Where there was once hope, now lay none.  
  
****  
  
To Be Continued.  
  
Thanks to those who reviewed. =) 


	3. My Silent Acquiescence

Standard disclaimers apply.  
  
HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.  
  
****  
  
We're on our way again. The rain had died down after a long two days. But the incident on the first night remains fresh on my mind. It kept replaying itself in my head.  
  
I asked him to go away. He silently acquiesced, but he didn't move. His eyes were so full of emotion. Filled with pain, and something else that I couldn't identify. Was the pain for Kanan? I wished fervently it wasn't, but if it wasn't, whom could it be for. The only person you ever loved was Kanan, but she killed herself, and you tortured yourself with memories of her.  
  
Hakkai, don't be so stupid. Move on. Find someone else; find me.  
  
I wondered if for that moment when you looked into my eyes, you could look into me. With my feelings so close to the surface, I wondered if you knew I loved you.  
  
I sigh mentally. Here I am, berating you for living in the past, when I myself do exactly that. I still can't forget how I let the only person I cared about die. My master. Damn. Now I don't even need the rain to make my thoughts run wild.  
  
With your beautiful forest gaze, your wondrous mahogany locks, your ethereal smile, your graceful long limbs, you entice me, captivate me, and mesmerize me. I wish I could tell you, as always, but I fear. Not only the risk of alienation from you. But I fear that, if the youkais after us found out about my feelings for you. They'd use you as my weakness. They'd know that it'd be more hurting if they managed to hurt you than if they attacked me. I can't let them hurt you because I love you too much. To let you know I love you, and to be unable to protect you might put you in so much danger. I can't tell you, no matter how much I love you.  
  
I'm feeling so distracted lately. I can't seem to think straight, all that's on my mind, is you. You fill my mind, my heart, my soul. You're all I need, all I want; so close, yet so far; my unattainable dream. Do you love me? Do I want you to? Or do I want to live in this abyss of love forever?  
  
You always look ahead at the road. Looking ahead. Towards what? Our future? The day when we reach Tenjiku, we might all lose our lives. I don't intend to, but it's still a possibility. Or if we live past it, where do we go? Will you leave with Gojyo, back to the bare floored shack that is Gojyo's house? Do I go back to the temple? I don't want to think about something which I have no answers for. Just live in the moment. Live for the moment. Carpe diem. Seize the day. Any day with you is a lovely day to me.  
  
****  
  
I drive Hakuryuu to the next town again. I feel your eyes on me again. I wonder what you think about again. I hope it's about me again.  
  
I feel like our days go round in cycles. We do the same things. See youkais, fight youkais, kill youkais, travel west, stop when it rains, kill more youkais, and travel west again. Despite its monotony, I feel a sense of security. Nothing out of the ordinary can happen; nothing can hurt us. Nothing will change; no one will leave. Mainly, you will not leave me.  
  
Sanzo, I wish we could spend everyday like this, living together, spending so much time together. I'm so used to seeing you everyday, having you by my side, sitting together, talking to you. I wish life would be so simple. I wish.  
  
Could you be loving me silently right now too? That rainy night, that unguarded moment, the raw emotions struggling to surface. I saw so many emotions, and I still can't interpret them. Too many, all at a time. You're always hiding everything behind that icy façade of yours, but that's what I like about you, your outward frostiness. And inside the cold demeanor, lies a warm passionate creature waiting to be unleashed. I laugh. That was an exaggeration, albeit a funny one.  
  
These days I welcome sleep. It's an escape from reality. It's only in sleep, in dreams where I can be with you. Where all my fantasies can become reality, where I can hold you till I die. With the passing of each day, I find my glimmer of hope dimming, the hope of us getting together.  
  
Sanzo. Do you love me? That question has been on my lips for the longest time. I want to ask you, but each time, I hold myself back. I'm still afraid. Do I really want to know? Will I be able to take it when I get a negative response? Will I be able to accept rejection? Or will I crumble under the emotional tumult of it all?  
  
I think, I have to ask you. I think I have to tell you of my feelings. I can't bear this loneliness in my heart any longer. It's eating me alive. Sanzo, don't refuse me. Please don't.  
  
****  
  
Four more days have passed. We've finally reached the next town. Thankfully, there are two rooms available. I might finally be getting the privacy I need to tell you of my feelings after all.  
  
"I'll sleep with Hakkai!" Goku exclaimed. "Goyjo teases me all night, I'll never be able to sleep. And Sanzo always bullies me. He makes me sleep on the futon! I want a bed!"  
  
"No you don't!" Gojyo retorted. "I don't want to sleep with the monk either! Are you stupid you idiotic monkey!"  
  
And so, their argument went on. My hopes dimmed again. I might not get to room with Sanzo after all. There goes my plan. Sigh.  
  
Then, "Shut up. I'm sleeping with Hakkai. You idiots sleep together, or you'll deprive me AND Hakkai of any decent sleep." Came a sturdy voice that brooked no arguments. "Because I pay! I hope you kill each other in your sleep!" Sanzo added without hesitation.  
  
I smiled, and quickly said, "Well, looks like it's all settled. I'll sleep with Sanzo tonight." I didn't want to give them any chance to change Sanzo's mind. I wanted this. I need to tell Sanzo how I feel before I go crazy from keeping it all in me. I need Sanzo so badly.  
  
There, I admitted my obsession, my infatuation, my love, or whatever you may call it.  
  
****  
  
Hakkai seems quite eager to room with me tonight. I wonder why. No matter the reason, I'm glad that he agreed to sleep with me. "SLEEP WITH ME". That sounded totally wrong. Yet, strangely arousing. Shit. I curse myself. It's just an innocent statement, why do I have to interpret it in such a horny way. Damn it. Thoughts of Hakkai are getting me all flustered inside.  
  
I hope there's a hidden reason behind his quick agreement to sleep with me tonight. I hope he might try something else. Possibly a declaration. Possibly anything else. Anything but what he usually does. Fuck. No. If he does try anything, I have to stop him. I can't lose him.  
  
I can't lose him. I can't lose him. I can't lose him. I drive that message into my head. I absolutely cannot lose Hakkai. No way.  
  
****  
  
To Be Continued.  
  
A/N: This update sucks. It's a little bit of a filler scene. My inspiration's flagging. Been having some exams (SAT and GCE Chinese) these two weeks. Updates would be slower. :/ 


	4. Do I Give In, Or Do I Give Up?

Standard disclaimers apply.  
  
HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.  
  
****  
  
I hold out the newspaper Hakkai got for me, slid on my glasses, and tried to read the paper. I say tried, because I couldn't process any of the news. Hakkai's eagerness to sleep with me tonight is making my thoughts run wild. I can't help hoping that he'd mean something more, yet also hoping he didn't mean something more. It's all such a paradox. It's all so complicating.  
  
To make things worse, he just entered our room. I think he finally placated Goku for having to sleep with Gojyo and vice versa. I feel his presence coming towards me; I don't want to look up from my paper, although I'm not really reading it. I'm afraid that my imagination would run even wilder.  
  
Damn. What do I want? I want Hakkai, yet at the same time, I don't want to want him. Damn.  
  
Hakkai had come up to my bed where I sat at. I feel my pulse racing; I wanted to open my mouth to speak; yet I didn't know what to say. You soon solved my problem though.  
  
"Sanzo, could I speak to you?" You said in your ever polite, ever pleasing, ever melodious voice, as you sat next to me on the bed.  
  
"Hnn." I still couldn't trust my own voice.  
  
"Sanzo, we've been on this journey for 3 years now, and I," he faltered here, "I'd like to thank you."  
  
Damn. That didn't sound good. It sounded like he was going leave. But I knew he would not leave in mid-journey. It was his sense of responsibility, or something. I really don't like the direction our conversation was traveling. Sigh; at least I don't have to worry about what I want now.  
  
****  
  
"For what?"  
  
The tone of your voice sounded so cold, that I almost couldn't continue with my declaration. I tried to reassure myself, that you always sounded like that; it was nothing new. I still had my chance for you. But I couldn't look at you and continue anymore. I averted my eyes, and began talking to the floor.  
  
"For everything you've done for me, saving me, being a friend."  
  
There was a pregnant pause and you said, "Welcome." There might've been a hint of disappointment in that one word, but I wasn't sure. These days, I couldn't be sure about anything. Feeling slightly dejected from your lack of conversation, I still forged ahead. Knowing the moment I spoke those words, I could never hope to take them back, knowing nothing would be the same again. Yet, I still had to tell you.  
  
"But, Sanzo, I don't just want to be your friend. In this time, you've taken over Kanan's place in my heart."  
  
You remained silent. Not sure of what it meant, I continued, "Do you get what I'm saying, Sanzo? I love you. It's okay if you don't love me. It's really okay. You just have to tell me." in that nervous state, I was beginning to rant.  
  
"Why?"  
  
Some response at last, but, "Why what?"  
  
"Why me?"  
  
"Why not you? I don't know how I fell for you, but I did. I don't what in you particularly attracts me, but I love every bit of you. If it weren't you, who could it be?"  
  
"Gojyo."  
  
"He's just a friend, he means nothing more than a good friend."  
  
And, you fell silent again. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Throughout the whole time, you've been looking at the paper. Then you slowly looked up, your usually steady violet gaze was now clouded with confusion, emotions, and other things that I couldn't identify.  
  
We looked at each other for what felt like the longest time. For the first time, I didn't have to hide the love in my eyes. We didn't move the slightest bit. Then I decided to take a chance. I love you too much to not try my best to make it happen. I leant forward, fully intending to kiss you. Since you didn't move away, I did.  
  
You tasted so inviting, so good, better than I ever imagined. You parted you lips ever so slightly. I took that as a yes. And I slid my tongue in your warm mouth. Desire coursed through my veins, as my hand ran through your silken locks. I heard you moan so softly. In my mind, I smiled.  
  
Reality was always better than fantasies. Oh god, I love you so much.  
  
****  
  
I didn't know how to react. I had just talked myself out of the chance that you might profess. And you simply had to prove me wrong. I don't know if it was a good thing or not. Can I take the chance, and risk losing you to the youkai attacks? You mean too much for me to risk it. Can I? I really don't know.  
  
And then, you kissed me. And then, I seemed to have lost my reason, my train of thought. I heard a moan, did that come from me?  
  
Then I heard someone say no. I realized it was my long gone inner voice. I can't do this. I can't risk loving Hakkai if my loving him would bring him more troubles, and harm. I don't have to be with him to love him, I'd rather we go through this short period of pain, and go on life as per normal. Making up my mind, I whispered, "no."  
  
He didn't stop as I thought he would, he simply whispered back, "yes." And kissed me with more ardour than before. Hakkai's hand slid under my top, moved it upward, exploring all the newly exposed skin. I, I, don't know. What harm can a night do? And, I gave myself up to his tender ministrations and passionate kiss.  
  
Still, somewhere in the haze of my passion, I heard the soft insistent voice inside of me, repeating "no".  
  
****  
  
To Be Continued.  
  
A/N: At first, I wrote quite a bit more graphic scenes, but I realized that this fic is under PG-13. So, I had to delete most of it. So the graphic scenes don't really link, cause I'm trying to finish it in a hurry. Actually, all the scenes in this chapter don't really link. Haha. Thanks for all the appreciative reviews though.  
  
Good luck to your exams too, Hakkai-san. ( 


	5. I'm Walking Away When All I Wanted To Do...

Standard disclaimers apply.  
  
HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.  
  
****  
  
"Yes," I heard Hakkai breathe into my ear, as he trailed his tongue along my earlobe; his hands roaming all over me. I couldn't help but shudder from the sheer pleasure. It was as if he knew what I was thinking, or rather, what the inner voice was chanting, and was telling me to give in to my emotions, instead of my sense of reason, to give in to him.  
  
I wanted to capitulate, wanted to forget all my logical thoughts, and simply concentrate on what Hakkai was making me feel, I wanted to live in this reality where my dreams were coming true, my dreams of us. I wanted to be with Hakkai, spend my nights with him, and wake up with his arms around me. I wanted my dreams to last forever, I wanted it to be so true so badly, that when it finally did, I didn't know what to say, or do. I love Hakkai so much. Love is supposed to be selfless, so I should not do this, to expose Hakkai, to leave him vulnerable and open to attacks. It's not that I don't trust him; I don't trust the devious schemes youkais come up with. But I'm selfish, so selfish. Damn.  
  
No. Logic again. Yes. Love again. No. Reason again. Yes. Passion again.  
  
I can't decide. I don't know what I want. No, I know what I want, but I'm afraid of what'll happen if I reach for it. Sigh.  
  
Could I, take a step into my dream? Enjoy each moment; live in each moment, love in each moment? And, quietly, walk out of it, like I was never there? Could I just let tonight happen, and could I walk away tomorrow? It is not fair to Hakkai, I'd just hurt him more. I really don't know what to do. If I reject him now, he'd be hurt; if I love him back, he'd be hurt; if I love him tonight, and slip away tomorrow, he'd be hurt. I can't bear to see him in pain. I hate this dilemma. Hakkai, if only you never told me how you felt, if only you'd keep it inside you, like you did. Sigh. But if you kept your feelings secret, I would want you to tell it to me. Damn it. What do I do? What should I do?  
  
Reason is slowly deserting me, as I feel passion overcoming me. As I feel you, your skin, your lips, I feel love. Then I knew, that I could never let you be harmed. If I give in tonight, your life might be at risk. The youkai would attack you, as a form of attacking me. If I reject you, your hurt would only be on an emotional level. You'd still live, you'd forget in time. It hurt to think of that, but it would be the best way out. To love, does not mean to possess.  
  
I pull away from his embrace, and forced his passion glazed eyes to meet mine, and I said, "Hakkai, no, stop."  
  
****  
  
No? Stop? Your words barely register in my mind. I continue my perusal of your body, and then it hit me. No. Stop.  
  
These words were different from the first "no" I heard. This held finality. Why no? I kept thinking to myself, as I felt rejected, unwanted, unloved. But I still had to know, so, I asked, "why?"  
  
"No reason."  
  
"There must be one, why?"  
  
"No reason." You repeated again, and averted your eyes from mine.  
  
"Why? Sanzo, why?"  
  
"I don't love you. I don't feel the same as you. I don't want this. I don't want you."  
  
I was stunned by your words, yet I knew I brought it upon myself. You did not want to tell me, but I forced it out of you. Your words cut me like a knife, I had given you my heart on a silver platter, but you took it, flung it out of the window. But it felt much worse than that. It felt like my world was falling apart. Of course it'd fall apart I chided myself. You are my world. I live to see your face each day. Each glance, each movement, each and everything about you, makes me love you even more.  
  
I was afraid of rejection. I had even prepared myself for rejection. But all the preparation in the world couldn't prepare me for your rejection. The cold harsh words, YOUR cold harsh words. "I don't love you.", "I don't want you." They are permanently etched in my memory. I didn't know what to reply, and you saved me from having to think of a reply by saying that you're going out for a drink. Said that I shouldn't wait for you. And, you faced the other way, set your clothes in order, brushed a long slender hand through those tousled blond strands, and walked right out of the door. Out of my life. Forever.  
  
At this point, all my strength left me; I lay crumpled on the bed. Tears that have only been threatening to spill now flowed freely from my eyes.  
  
Somehow. I didn't blame you. I blamed myself. For my rash actions, for my ridiculous declaration. I wanted to hate you to make this easier for me, but I can't. I love you too much.  
  
****  
  
I was breaking inside when I told you that I didn't love you. I could barely get the words out. To tell you that I don't love or want you, when all I ever wanted, was to love and cherish him, with all my heart, for all my life. I wish I could tell him that I love him, want him, need him.  
  
I couldn't look at him when I told him that I did not reciprocate his feelings. How could I, when the pain felt so evident in my gaze. I had sneaked a peek at him, and what I saw, shattered my already broken heart. I regretted what I said. I regretted it so much. Damn. If I could, I'd take it all back. I. I. I don't know. Unable to sit on the same bed as you, unable to share this close proximity without holding you like I'd never let go, kissing away all your tears, and retracting all my words, telling you how I truly feel, I chose to leave. I walked away from you. Walked away from the only person I truly loved, the one person who gave me his heart, and I tossed it away, the only person I would ever love. I walked away from it all, from all my hopes and dreams.  
  
I walked till I was out of the hotel, before my legs gave way, and I fell in an ungraceful heap on the stairs. Crying silent tears, crying invisible tears. Hakkai. If only you knew why I did this. If only you didn't have to hurt. If only..  
  
****  
  
To Be Continued.  
  
I'm supposed to be studying. but I think I won't in the end. So, it's a fast update. =) I don't like Microsoft word. Smileys don't come out the way they should. :/ thanks to all reviewers again! 


	6. I Wished You Never Loved Me

Standard disclaimers apply.  
  
HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.  
  
****  
  
Sanzo didn't return to our room yesterday, which meant he spent his whole night out. I don't want to think of where he was at, what he did. I don't want to think of him, period. I embarrassed myself in front of him. Totally. I exposed my vulnerable side, and I told him of my love, only to have him scorn it. Scorn me.  
  
Gojyo and Goku are asking me where he is. They always look to me for askance on where Sanzo is. I always go up to call him down, or I'd know where he was. But today. Goku can't wait to eat the breakfast. I told him to go ahead first. Sanzo would come to eat when he wanted to. Goku hesitated for a while, and asked me to keep some food for Sanzo, and he plunged into the mounds of food placed on our table.  
  
I saw Gojyo giving me a weird look. I simply gave him a smile. And proceeded to eat. I think Gojyo knows about Sanzo and I. I had to pause myself in mid-thought. There is no "Sanzo and I", there never was, and never will be. Gojyo might think that he knows, but he is wrong.  
  
I cannot deny that I'm still so torn up over last night. But I still keep up my appearances. I try to act normal. Thankfully, Sanzo isn't here. I don't think that I'd be able to keep my tears from falling if he were here. Despite all that he had said to me, his scorn, his rejection, I still love him. I am trying to forget, I'm trying to not let my emotions get in over my head. I don't want to love him; I don't want to love a man who won't love me in return. I don't want to hurt myself knowingly, and intentionally. I don't know how will I continue in this journey. Should I leave? Or should I stay? I don't know. I can't bear to face Sanzo anymore, I can't bring myself to sit next to him in the jeep, I can't bring myself to fight alongside him; knowing that he is right next to me, yet I can't get to him, can't love him, knowing that he doesn't feel the same.  
  
I don't know. I don't want to think anymore. I can already feel the tears brimming. I bend my head lower to eat, to hide my sorrow.  
  
****  
  
I wake up, found myself slouched over the bar top, with the first rays of the morning sun shining through. I went to get myself a drink after I left the inn. No, it was more of drinks. I must have gotten drunk. I downed shots of vodka, cups of beer and rum, and whatever else the bar had. I wanted to use the drink to forget. Forget what I did to Hakkai. How I hurt him, how my words cut him. Damn. I hate it. I hate myself. To top it all off, to add unto all these shit, I had to have a bloody hangover. Stupid alcohol. Stupid after-effects.  
  
I got up as slowly, and as steadily as I could, careful to move my head around too much, in case I might aggravate this fucked headache of mine. And just as slowly and surely I walked back to the hotel. It was surprisingly nearby, yet, when I made that journey yesterday, it felt like there were miles between the bar, and the inn. I reached the inn, walked to our room. Funny how just hours ago, "our room" would've sounded so right, now, it just sounded so foreign, so wrong to me. I walked in. you were asleep. You had cried yourself to sleep. Your tear stained face, devoid of any emotion in sleep, could still convey such sadness. Sigh. I gingerly touched strands of mahogany, a warm wave of melancholy washed over me. Other stronger waves of emotion followed suit. Pain. Sorrow. Agony. I had lost you. I could have held your love in my hands, protecting it, cherishing it. But instead, I threw it away. By doing so, I not only succeeded in breaking your heart, in the process, I broke mine too. The tumult of emotions going through me now was driving me insane. I loved you so much, that I ended up hurting you. I hated myself with a vengeance, because I was so stupid, to have hurt you. I hated myself simply for hurting you. I could never forgive anyone who hurt you, including myself. I don't know what am I going to do. I don't know. And I don't want to think.  
  
I belatedly realized that you might wake soon. I slipped out of the room as quietly as I had slipped in. I went out of the inn, and waited outside a window. I had a clear view of the whole inn. I waited, for you to have breakfast. I wanted to talk to you, to see more of you, but I was afraid that you might be too upset, too broken up over last night., so I chose to watch you from afar. Then, maybe you'd be able to get back to normal faster. By leaving you alone, I hoped that you'd be better off. In the meantime, I'd watch over you. I'd never let anyone hurt you again. Damn. I hate myself so much.  
  
You come down. Gojyo and Goku came down. You all sit around, waiting for me, waiting in vain. Then there were some bits of conversation that I couldn't hear; and I saw the three of you eating, in more silence than usual. You were eating; head lower than usual, as though you were hiding something. I really hoped that you were not trying to mask your hurt, your tears. I hated to know that I had made you cry. I wish you didn't love me so much. I wish, you didn't love me at all.  
  
Looking at you, you face, paler, more drawn than usual. It pained me so much. I had caused this. I hated myself. More than ever.  
  
****  
  
To Be Continued.  
  
To Hakkai-san, and anyone else who might not know why Sanzo is behaving like that.  
  
Sanzo is afraid that if the youkais, mainly strong enemies like Kougaiji etc. know how much Hakkai means to him, they would try and get his sutras through hurting Hakkai, or worse, the crazier youkais might make attempts on Hakkai's life as they would know that by hurting Hakkai, Sanzo would feel more pain, hurt than if they attacked his own person. So in order to prevent them from causing bodily harm to Hakkai, Sanzo'd rather not let Hakkai know of his feelings, and in that way, he thinks he is protecting Hakkai.  
  
Is it clear enough?? Sorry if it wasn't really clear. Umm. I changed the word "hotel" in Chapter 5 to "inn" in Chapter 6. because "inn" is a better word right? 


	7. THIS IS NOT AN UPDATE BUT PLEASE READ AN...

This is not an update, but I was wondering, if there was still anyone following this. Although I've switched to another fandom already, if there are readers who'd like me to finish this story, I will, because it isn't very nice to have a WIP which leaves readers hanging. Updates may not come too fast, but well, I'll try.


	8. Never Be Able To Walk Away

**Standard disclaimers apply.**

HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.

* * *

It's been a week since he confessed his love for me. It's been a week since I lied and said that I did not love him. It's been a week since I saw him lying in bed, his heartbreakingly beautiful face tear streaked. I know he does not deserve to be hurt thusly, he deserves so much better. But I can not be the one to give it to him. Right now I don't think he understands, but perhaps one day he will. That's all I hope for. 

After missing breakfast with him and the two pests that day, I went back to the room by lunchtime. Thinking back, I wondered how they paid for the morning meal, since the card's always with me. But right then, I did not think about it. My mind was preoccupied with other events, namely me being such a complete prick.

I should stop this self-deprecation. It's hardly me. But that's what Hakkai does to me. Or rather, that's what love does to everyone. I find it so easy to admit that I love him now that I cannot have him. And he would not want me. Who could want someone who tore their heart out? Yes. I do love him. And I think I love him more than I have loved anyone or anything ever.

Gojyo knows something about Hakkai and me. He gives me suspicious looks whenever he can. I know Hakkai hasn't told him anything. If he has, I'm sure several parts of me would've been missing. Gojyo doesn't know yet, that much of this I'm sure of. But he suspects, he suspects a great deal. Goku doesn't know anything. As long as I ply his mouth with mounds and mounds of food, he doesn't question much. He's not stupid, but he's easily distracted.

Hakkai, he tries to act like nothing has happened. But I know better, after all, I was one of the parties involved. He treats Gojyo and Goku with the same tolerance and affection. He did not speak to me for the first 3 days, but now he's asking if I'm alright if I sit and stare for too long, like he used to. Like everything's back to normal.

I wish I could do it too. Treat everything the way I used to. But it's hard. When I turn around to whack the two morons in the backseat, I try to turn in the other direction. I do not wish to turn clock-wise, for I'd have to see Hakkai more than is necessary. He treats me like he always have, but I can't return the favour. It's more difficult than that.

He thinks I refused him. His heartbreak is one that he had had no choosing of. But, my heartbreak, my heartbreak is of my own volition, my crazy sense of selflessness. When was I selfless? Hell, I'm probably the most selfish bastard I know. But there's something about Hakkai that makes me want to be a bit less selfish, just for his sake.

I wonder how he feels inside. There has to be a mask he wears. I know him well enough. But I still have no knowledge on how to see beyond the mask. I hope he's not hurting, too much, although I hope he is hurting just a little bit. I'm not that selfless. It takes some practice, practice which I don't have – yet.

I spend too much time silent. I think too much. I brood too much. Sitting in the cramped jeep hardly gives me much to do. I used to have the pleasure of staring at Hakkai's profile, but now, if I stare too much, I'm afraid my mask might slip, just a little bit, and if anyone sees me at that moment, they'll know.

* * *

I love him. I do. I treat him like a friend, like I do normally, but I love him. If I were to ask Gojyo for advice, he would advise me to stop loving Sanzo, and then probably proceed to hurt Sanzo in any way he could. I don't even want to try to stop loving Sanzo. I love him and need him too much to want to try. 

When he had just turned me down, I was crushed, I felt like I should never have opened by mouth. When he said he did not reciprocate my feelings, it seemed then that it wasn't just my heart that he tore apart, but all of me. It's unfair to blame him for everything, so I would not. Slowly but surely, I fell in love with Sanzo. And my life began to revolve around him. He had never asked for it, nor had he ever asked for my love. I offered it to him; he had every right to refuse. And he did. It should not hurt so much by now, but it does. It hurts so much emotionally, it almost hurts physically.

I will not stop loving Sanzo, so I came up with a better idea. I will make him fall in love with me. After that, heartache and heartbreak will have no place in it. This is my only way of facing every new day. The only way I can tell my heart to stop hurting, because of the bright light shining at the horizon, which I've named Hope.

He has to fall in love with me. He will. I'll make sure of it, because I don't know what I would do otherwise. Gods, I love him so much. I don't know when or how this happened, but it did. And all I know is that I'll never be able to let go. Ever.

* * *

Okay. This is quite a short chapter. I promise the next one will be more Hakkai-centric. 

To everyone who left a review/comment, thank you. Because reviews and comments spur me on more than you'll ever know. :)


End file.
